Is it strange how desperately I want to be something I'm not?
It's not like going down the path I'm currently taking has a high possibility of ending in ruin. I just feel that I could've been so much more, if only I'd been a little more creative and motivated as a child. Is that just a genetic thing? Did I miss the adequate dose of childhood curiosity bestowed upon so many others?
It would've been great if instead of being all depressed and shit in middle school I channeled all that into something more productive. The thought of all that I could've done makes me deeply anxious for some reason. I start viewing myself as a worthless person who just so happened to be lucky enough to be born book-smart. Look at all that gift squandered away. That's what really bothers me, I think--that it feels like whatever higher power out there gave me this aptitude to do something with and I just fucked it all up. But I'm not even afraid of retribution or anything, I'm just so uncertain as to where I should go. I think maybe that's partially due this emerging culture of self-care being all knotted up with just doing whatever the hell we want. If my inner self actually would prefer never to do any work, should I just let it? Take the fucking office job and call it a good life?
For some reason at this very moment the only proof to me that I ever took my angst out on anything productive is this blog. Even though this was partially again my mother's gift to me, I never built or created anything besides it. In that sense it has a great deal of value for me. I mean, I still find it aesthetic after all these years so...well, anyways. This might be a bit too much melancholy for me to handle at this point in my life--just wanted to do my biyearly check-in. Back to work!
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Saturday, November 7, 2015
#that awkward moment when you marry your mom
thinking of making this a reading blog?
books are bae
reading Oedipus by Sophocles for English class :P
Recommended books:
extremely loud and incredibly close
100 years of solitude
the book thief
hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
thorn birds
like so many more
books are bae
reading Oedipus by Sophocles for English class :P
Recommended books:
extremely loud and incredibly close
100 years of solitude
the book thief
hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
thorn birds
like so many more
RM ROCKETS
high school boiiii
i mean i guess im old now :)
our mascot is a rocket, although i have to say it looks more than a bit like something else..
honestly though
this font is life
life is better
i mean i guess im old now :)
our mascot is a rocket, although i have to say it looks more than a bit like something else..
honestly though
this font is life
life is better
Saturday, November 9, 2013
PIANO!
I've done a lot of piano events in this school year of 2013, although some might scoff at it, but it was A LOT to me. First I had my theory test for Level 3, which was rather easy but still counts. Also, I played 2 duets this year with my friends who will remain nameless. One was "I Love a Piano" which was a jazzy song that involved switching places, which was rather fun. I earned a 3rd place at the duet piano competition for that piece. The other was simply named "Waltz" which was a simple but elegant piece that I can proudly say, earned me first place at the duet piano competition. These events happened in March.
In May, I played at the solo competition and the Guild test. For the solo competition one of my songs was a 8-page long sonata which I got cut off in the middle for. The other was a 2-page nocturne by John Field that I still got cut off for, because we were in a time limit. I felt cheated :P...the Guild test was...interesting. This year I was playing a special Sonatina medal and I played 14 sonatinas, which wasn't terrible because most of them were very easy, but I still had to memorize those 14 pieces.
In 2014 I'll do more, cause I'll enter 2 levels of theory and play a judged recital, but it'll be more planned and stretched. For my solo competition I'll be playing another John Field nocturne, and a Mozart piece that sounds rather graceful to me. For the duet competition I know that one song will be the Miniature Overture of the Nutcracker, which is not one of the most commonly known songs from Nutcracker, which might be interesting...tune in for more! Sometime...
In May, I played at the solo competition and the Guild test. For the solo competition one of my songs was a 8-page long sonata which I got cut off in the middle for. The other was a 2-page nocturne by John Field that I still got cut off for, because we were in a time limit. I felt cheated :P...the Guild test was...interesting. This year I was playing a special Sonatina medal and I played 14 sonatinas, which wasn't terrible because most of them were very easy, but I still had to memorize those 14 pieces.
In 2014 I'll do more, cause I'll enter 2 levels of theory and play a judged recital, but it'll be more planned and stretched. For my solo competition I'll be playing another John Field nocturne, and a Mozart piece that sounds rather graceful to me. For the duet competition I know that one song will be the Miniature Overture of the Nutcracker, which is not one of the most commonly known songs from Nutcracker, which might be interesting...tune in for more! Sometime...
Hablas espanol?
Ok, so first of all, I've been taking Spanish, and I know that the title isn't proper Spanish but I didn't really want to find the special signs and upside down question mark. I really enjoy learning a new language cause it actually presents a challenge to me, compared to some other boring classes. I love it! Although, I wish I could have started in 6th grade...
Hola! Me llamo Angela y me gusta mucho dibujar, escuchar musica, y montar en bicicleta. Tambien, yo jugo tenis, pero no soy deportista o athletica. Soy artistica, reservada, y a veces impaciente. Yo paso tiempo con mis amigos, y nosotras hablamos por telefono. Como eres?
Hola! Me llamo Angela y me gusta mucho dibujar, escuchar musica, y montar en bicicleta. Tambien, yo jugo tenis, pero no soy deportista o athletica. Soy artistica, reservada, y a veces impaciente. Yo paso tiempo con mis amigos, y nosotras hablamos por telefono. Como eres?
Monday, November 4, 2013
Problems
Everyone has their problems, and of course life wouldn't be life without its ups and downs, but you have to deal with your problems.
For someone like me, I don't have a lot of problems. However, the problem for me is that I'm then creating my own problems. But the thing is that most of the time, in my society, our problems are so little. I know that might not make many people feel better, because all in all, they still are problems and they play a dominant part in our life. Also, some people do have very big problems, let me tell you my problems and what I do about them, which I know many of you would not like to hear, but I think they can help you, so please listen.
As for me, I have little sisters and my mother works overseas. I won't say much more, but loneliness is one of my major problems. Loneliness is part of life. Of course no man can survive without much needed company but you know, some of the most inspirational moments can come out of loneliness. Of course, that doesn't often help you deal with it, but know that no matter how hard it is, you have to overcome it. This is because, obviously, that you will always run into it. Remember "It's your life" by Bon Jovi? Personally, I love that song because it focuses on the fact that no matter what, it really is your life. For me, the idea of wanting to commit suicide is insane, but I understand the reason, its not just random, obviously, but you have to build your strength and know that its your life. Its not the end if your really awesome boyfriend dumps you or your best friend moves away. I know these are light examples. That's because I don't really want to go into the saddest examples.
My mother I have always admired. I was sad that day she had to leave overseas, and I was so worried. I told her, sadly, that despite trying to be strong, I didn't think that I could live on if she left me forever. She told me that "its your life" and although it maybe seems like a dark tunnel if something terrible like that happened, you will get over it, and you do have to be strong. Also, don't ponder it in the meantime. I know most therapists will say that you have to confront the worst scenario and tell yourself that you can live with it, then think what you can do about it. The problem for me is that I always am so stricken and terrified about something bad happening that I don't think about what I can do. This is something I personally have to work on, and I know that I have to confront some things, but people, out there, good luck because there will be so many ups and downs, and some really downs, but climb out of that giant hole and smile up at the sun again, because you CAN do it. Have faith, good friend (or person that I don't know:))
For someone like me, I don't have a lot of problems. However, the problem for me is that I'm then creating my own problems. But the thing is that most of the time, in my society, our problems are so little. I know that might not make many people feel better, because all in all, they still are problems and they play a dominant part in our life. Also, some people do have very big problems, let me tell you my problems and what I do about them, which I know many of you would not like to hear, but I think they can help you, so please listen.
As for me, I have little sisters and my mother works overseas. I won't say much more, but loneliness is one of my major problems. Loneliness is part of life. Of course no man can survive without much needed company but you know, some of the most inspirational moments can come out of loneliness. Of course, that doesn't often help you deal with it, but know that no matter how hard it is, you have to overcome it. This is because, obviously, that you will always run into it. Remember "It's your life" by Bon Jovi? Personally, I love that song because it focuses on the fact that no matter what, it really is your life. For me, the idea of wanting to commit suicide is insane, but I understand the reason, its not just random, obviously, but you have to build your strength and know that its your life. Its not the end if your really awesome boyfriend dumps you or your best friend moves away. I know these are light examples. That's because I don't really want to go into the saddest examples.
My mother I have always admired. I was sad that day she had to leave overseas, and I was so worried. I told her, sadly, that despite trying to be strong, I didn't think that I could live on if she left me forever. She told me that "its your life" and although it maybe seems like a dark tunnel if something terrible like that happened, you will get over it, and you do have to be strong. Also, don't ponder it in the meantime. I know most therapists will say that you have to confront the worst scenario and tell yourself that you can live with it, then think what you can do about it. The problem for me is that I always am so stricken and terrified about something bad happening that I don't think about what I can do. This is something I personally have to work on, and I know that I have to confront some things, but people, out there, good luck because there will be so many ups and downs, and some really downs, but climb out of that giant hole and smile up at the sun again, because you CAN do it. Have faith, good friend (or person that I don't know:))
Sunday, September 22, 2013
LETTERS FROM ME ON A BICYCLE~INTRODUCTION
You may wonder what I'm talking about. You see, I am 11 now, and I've started to realize things that I didn't know before. Sometimes I have very sad moments, but I hope that I can read these letters in the future, and no matter how badly punctuated they may be, they will inspire me to move on. In my utopia, I imagine that hundreds of people read these letters and they get inspired by them. Honestly, I'm still 11, so don't blame me if I'm silly, but I honestly don't even know if people CAN access my blog.
Anyways, I'm not very athletic and I could probably be more fit, and I'm not a competitive biker at all obviously, but when I get on my bike, I feel happiness and inspiration. Some of those probably just come from me being on my bike, because you should know, that exercising creates chemicals in the body to make you feel happy. Maybe I'm not completely accurate on that one, or many other things, but I choose to believe this because at least exercising prevents me from dwelling too much on certain things, and that often really just makes me feel better.
So basically the whole point of this was to make me feel better. When I was younger, I know that I always felt like all the negative things were so far away: they couldn't touch me. As I grew to be this age, I understood more things, like life and death and that continuous cycle, and that honestly, anywhere on Earth, there were bound to be risks. This led to me over-thinking, and sometimes I really feel scared and sad. But I had things to get me through it.
I want this series of "letters" to be both humorous and inspiring, but make people feel like they can relate to you. Honestly, I live in a very lucky place, and sometimes counting my blessing and listing what I'm grateful really makes me feel quite happy and lucky. I think of all the people in the world who've had to go through so many worse hardships. Honestly, I think if they could go through these things, why can't I? Whose to say that I'm not capable of dealing with these things? Although, I do realize, honestly, and I have to say this, that right now I have a pretty weak mind. But this is to help me get through it. So basically, tell yourself that life is a sidewalk; you can fall numerous times. But pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep on going. Certainly, you will eventually reach a part of the sidewalk that's smoother than the rest. Sometimes you might have a harder time picking yourself up. I say there's no harm done in having other people help you pick yourself up. Sometimes you'll need help. Sometimes you feel sad. Sometimes you question yourself.
Things work out often, but you also have to accept that sometimes things don't work out. My mom told me about the sidewalk. Eventually I questioned her: What if you couldn't pick your self up, and people couldn't help you either? That was what really scared me. But my mom told me something that I will try hardest to keep with me. Well if you're always worrying, why not think of this: Why aren't you worried about something in the cosmos shifting and us all being doomed? True that's extreme, and I myself don't like to talk about bad scenarios, but honestly, there are so many things we can't control. That might not feel fair, and sometimes it still doesn't feel fair. Why can't things sometimes be all fine? Why do bad things have to happen sometimes? Well don't you think that if bad things never happen, you wouldn't treasure the good things as much? The point is: If you are always worried about what's going to happen tomorrow, answer me this: "Is that going to stop you from living your life today?" I know sometimes things really seem sad and you don't really think that this will help, but there are so many amazing people out there who, despite all the odds, kept living. Keep trying, whoever is reading, whether it be myself or someone I don't know at all.
Signing off,
Me :)
Anyways, I'm not very athletic and I could probably be more fit, and I'm not a competitive biker at all obviously, but when I get on my bike, I feel happiness and inspiration. Some of those probably just come from me being on my bike, because you should know, that exercising creates chemicals in the body to make you feel happy. Maybe I'm not completely accurate on that one, or many other things, but I choose to believe this because at least exercising prevents me from dwelling too much on certain things, and that often really just makes me feel better.
So basically the whole point of this was to make me feel better. When I was younger, I know that I always felt like all the negative things were so far away: they couldn't touch me. As I grew to be this age, I understood more things, like life and death and that continuous cycle, and that honestly, anywhere on Earth, there were bound to be risks. This led to me over-thinking, and sometimes I really feel scared and sad. But I had things to get me through it.
I want this series of "letters" to be both humorous and inspiring, but make people feel like they can relate to you. Honestly, I live in a very lucky place, and sometimes counting my blessing and listing what I'm grateful really makes me feel quite happy and lucky. I think of all the people in the world who've had to go through so many worse hardships. Honestly, I think if they could go through these things, why can't I? Whose to say that I'm not capable of dealing with these things? Although, I do realize, honestly, and I have to say this, that right now I have a pretty weak mind. But this is to help me get through it. So basically, tell yourself that life is a sidewalk; you can fall numerous times. But pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep on going. Certainly, you will eventually reach a part of the sidewalk that's smoother than the rest. Sometimes you might have a harder time picking yourself up. I say there's no harm done in having other people help you pick yourself up. Sometimes you'll need help. Sometimes you feel sad. Sometimes you question yourself.
Things work out often, but you also have to accept that sometimes things don't work out. My mom told me about the sidewalk. Eventually I questioned her: What if you couldn't pick your self up, and people couldn't help you either? That was what really scared me. But my mom told me something that I will try hardest to keep with me. Well if you're always worrying, why not think of this: Why aren't you worried about something in the cosmos shifting and us all being doomed? True that's extreme, and I myself don't like to talk about bad scenarios, but honestly, there are so many things we can't control. That might not feel fair, and sometimes it still doesn't feel fair. Why can't things sometimes be all fine? Why do bad things have to happen sometimes? Well don't you think that if bad things never happen, you wouldn't treasure the good things as much? The point is: If you are always worried about what's going to happen tomorrow, answer me this: "Is that going to stop you from living your life today?" I know sometimes things really seem sad and you don't really think that this will help, but there are so many amazing people out there who, despite all the odds, kept living. Keep trying, whoever is reading, whether it be myself or someone I don't know at all.
Signing off,
Me :)
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